orienteering

Although less verbose than my blogmates, I am privleged enough to be able to write a post about my recent UHRM orientation session at the Regenstein. Given the charity of a permanent position in bookstacks when I desperately needed employment, I had to spend all of last Wednesday with a bunch of other stupid newbies learning about what it's like to work for the University. This involved acquiring a lot of paperwork, a totally sweet NSIT totebag, a free lunch at delicious Pierce, tour of the HP, Kenwood and Woodlawn, and a lot of being talked at.

We got to hear from the bad-asssss chief of the UCPD, the safety guy, the NSIT woman who talked too fast, were instructed to read over the University's sexual harrassment policy pamphlet at our leisure, and learned all about our potential benefits as UC employees-- and the grisly reasons why we might need them. Albeit the University provides a lot of handy if strange fringe benefits. Like the Employee Assistance Program which can refer you to local legal services, child care centers, and give you advice about buying a Christmas tree. However, UHRM also had a morbid presentation about life and disability insurance apparently designed to scare the shit out of their new employees.

Say you die while employed by the University. The U of C will pay a certain amount to your benficiary at no cost to you, but it's an insignificant amount of money that will leave your dependents in a lurch post-your death. They make it so easy for you to start saving up. Just in case. The premium for someone significantly older than me and making significantly more money (the lowest sample income they had in their premium matrix) is a mere $1.76. Say you suffer an accident or illness that leaves you unable to work for many months. You can invest in Long Term Disability (LTD) insurance. A mere $0.69 premium. Just in case. Say you or a family member is accidentally killed or maimed in an accident. Personal Accident Insurance (PAI) is available. For $11 a month you could get half a million dollars just for losing your hearing in a work accident. Say you get old and want to retire. Well, it's not very likely since no one can afford to retire very much in advance of their death so you might as well resign yourself to dying on the job many decades down the line. But, if you want to tie up some money just in case, you can put aside some amount of money that will still be inadequate for retirement and I guess leave you praying your spouse with all that life insurance kicks it.

It's not so much the forcefullness with which the benefits counseling people thrust this information on you, or the fact that a lot of these premiums are taken out of your paycheck after taxes, or that some of the benefits programs aren't subsidized by the University. No, the most depressing thing about the day was the upsetting stories people used as examples for why everyone needs to be insured out their asses. The woman orientating us had terrifying it-could-happen-to-you style stories about twenty-somethings who didn't think they needed long term disability insurance and then became disabled and mutilated in horrific car accidents. People don't understand how much retirement will cost, she says. It's way more than you could imagine. Once you leave your job you'll be poor. You should keep your policies updated, she says, because she knows this one woman who didn't update her policy after her divorce and then died an awesomely violent accidental death and all the money went to her deadbeat ex while her primary school-aged children got nothing. People think they won't need accident insurance, she says. A lot of fools think it's okay to just play the odds and not spend the money. But you and your family need that insurance because, and I shit you not this was her example, your juvenile children could be maimed in a school shooting or a drive-by. If that happened, she says, you'd be covered.

I like to avoid thinking about my turning elderly, premature death, school violence, truancy and immenent dismemberment as much as the next person. I know it's a possibility and the thoughts have crossed the back of my mind; but I seriously don't think I need all this insurance. I'm 22 and single. I have no dependents. I don't work an accident-inducing job (unless you count cutting your hands up on those damn bookends). Be that as it may, I am thankful for the relatively comprehensive health insurance plans offered by the University that I actually do plan on taking advantage of. I can totally clean up on this cheap HMO. I plan on getting tons of practically free health care. Which is good because I have to have a physical for the new job I'm applying to. Just don't stick shit in your eyes because there's no vision coverage.